


Pustule of Pixie-Dust

by scarimor



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 22:29:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3913027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarimor/pseuds/scarimor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zelena, Maleficent, and Lily stage an intervention for Regina.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pustule of Pixie-Dust

**Author's Note:**

> set after _Mother_

Zelena pulls the burlap up and away with a flourish to reveal Regina Mills, Mayor of Storybrooke, underneath. Her usually perfect hair has lost none of its radiance for being mussed from the sack, but her composure is otherwise shot. Her arms are roped to the back of the dining chair and she is mightily pissed.

“Zelena?! Who the hell let you out?”

“I did.” Lily’s dangerously calm response drifts across Regina’s kitchen like a pre-packed threat. Maleficent’s daughter (and for all Regina knows Emma’s obsessed, stalky ex) is sitting on a stool, her back against the breakfast bar, one knee crossed. She has a knife in her hand - wait, is that Regina’s knife? The knife Regina used to cut Lily with? - and she twirls it slowly, the point not quite piercing her shabby jeans which have far too many holes in them to be even the cheapest fashion attempt. Regina scowls in contempt.

“While I distracted the nurse,” says Maleficent.

Regina’s head snaps to her left. “Maleficent? What the fuck?”

“A lovely woman,” Maleficent drawls. “Regina, you didn’t tell me you had your own dominatrix in Storybrooke. She was kind enough to show me that fine plush cell at the end - the one decked out in leather and velvet. She asked me to remind you that you’ve missed several regular sessions, by-the-way, since you’ve been distracted; and she’s worried about you. For your health you need to get spanked.”

Regina reddens and fumes. “That’s supposed to be private!”

“Boo hoo. This is what she’s talking about. The real you would never whine like that.”

Regina struggles. “Let me go!” She tries to will the ropes away but her magic stalls at the first spark.

“Like the cuff, sis?” Zelena grins and waves her empty wrist.

Regina growls and grinds her teeth. “What the hell is this?”

“An intervention,” says Maleficent. “Regina, you are not yourself.”

“Of course I’m myself. Who else would I be?”

“A baby-killer!” Zelena hisses. She touches her belly, suddenly protective. “You were going to wipe us out. Now when it's born you want to snatch it.”

“And the _why_ is what concerns us,” says Maleficent. “Regina, you’re debasing yourself for a piece of dick.”

“Not even decent dick,” says Zelena. “I know, I’ve tried it.”

“And we care too much about you to stand by and watch.”

Regina opens her mouth to protest but Lily cuts her off.

“I don’t.”

Maleficent sighs gently at her daughter. “Sweetie, we’ve discussed this.”

Lily rolls her eyes. “Ok Mom, but can we get on with it?”

“Of course. Did you get it?”

Lily holds up a cloth bag. It’s the size of a large fist and looks a little damp.

“What’s that?” asks Regina, apprehensive.

Lily smirks. “Your fuckboy’s heart.”

Regina gapes at her. “You took Robin’s heart? How? Who taught you to do that so fast?”

Lily’s smirk grows into a gleeful leer. “I taught myself.” She holds up Regina’s knife. It has blood on it. “With this.”

Regina screams when Lily upends the bag and tosses the contents into her lap.

She screams again when, a few seconds later, she realises that it is indeed a fresh, bloody, not-at-all-enchanted heart; with pale fatty tissue and ragged bits of artery attached.

“We should make her eat it,” says Lily.

Zelena cackles prettily. “How very _Game of Thrones_.”

Regina jerks both knees sharply and the human heart slips from her lap. It lands on the kitchen floor with a heavy wet _blop_.

Regina retches. “You bitches!”

“Calm down,” says Maleficent. “You’ll thank us soon enough.”

“I hate you!”

“Dear god,” says Lily, clearly unimpressed, “this can’t be the Evil Queen everyone’s so scared of.”

“It isn’t, sweetie. She’s addled and loaded. It has to be the pixie-dust.”

“You should’ve let me dump his entrails in her bed.”

“No need for that, Lily. Zelena, dear, would you mind holding her head back?”

“Delighted,” says Zelena, assuming a position behind the chair. She takes Regina’s head in a firm grip on either side and pulls back.

“Why?” Regina asks as her chin lifts.

“Lily, please look for a frosting pipe. Try one of the drawers.” Maleficent produces a small flashlight from her coat pocket and shines it up Regina’s nose.

“What are you doing?” Regina asks, sounding more anxious.

“Found one,” says Lily. “Now what?”

“Fill it from the faucet. Cold.” Maleficent peers up Regina’s left nostril, then the right. “A-ha!”

“What? What is it?” Regina squeaks.

Maleficent ignores her. She takes the pipe of cold water from Lily and instructs her assistants. “Right, hold her really tight because she’s not going to like this.”

Then Maleficent sticks the tip of the pipe up Regina’s left nostril and starts to squeeze it.

Regina shrieks at first and thrashes in their grip, but she soon stops making so much noise as the icy water rushes through her nasal passages. She gurgles as some goes down her throat and manages to spit some out, but most of it heads straight down her other nostril and gushes over her mouth. It takes a few really hard squirts, but finally something bursts. There is a squelchy _pop_ somewhere near a sinus, and the water turns fluorescent green as it rushes out.

“Quick!” says Maleficent, handing Lily the empty pipe, “We need more to wash it all out.”

Lily runs to the sink and returns with a fresh load. Maleficent squirts the water up Regina’s nose until it runs clear again. Then she stands back and signals to the others to retreat.

“Did it work?” asks Zelena.

“We’ll know in a minute.”

They wait while Regina slumps in the ropes. She gasps for breath. The green water pools at her feet where it mixes with the blood seeping from the heart. The lump of raw flesh soaks up the mess until there is nothing left of it. Lily picks the heart up with a look of distaste and drops it back in its bag.

“Go and burn it,” says Maleficent.

When Lily is gone Maleficent questions Regina gently. “How do you feel?”

“Wet,” Regina grumbles.

“And?”

“My nose hurts.”

Maleficent sighs. “Anything else?”

“I wish I could’ve killed him myself.”

Maleficent straightens and grins at Zelena over Regina’s head. “It worked.”

Zelena steps around so she can face her sister and smiles with relief. She strokes Regina’s damp cheek. “Atta girl, sis.”

“Do you remember how he infected you?” asks Maleficent.

Regina squints as she thinks back. “We were traipsing through the Enchanted Forest. He… he _spat_ on me. And then I started to smell… dank… forest.” She grimaces. “Ugh.”

Zelena pulls a face. “Ew. Creep.”

“Nasty,” Maleficent agrees. “Pustule of pixie-dust. Glad we lanced that.”

~~~

**Author's Note:**

>   
>    
> 


End file.
